It's 365 Days of CMD.

http://cmd365.blogspot.com/


I'll be posting there every day. This blog is gonna hang out for a while longer too.

Wanted

A guy who doesn't mind that I am not nor will I ever be a size 2. A guy who makes me feel like a supermodel. Someone willing to put up with my obsession with shoes and books. Someone who doesn't mind that sometimes I dress up and sometimes I don't. A guy who can put up with my slightly disorganized, cluttered style of living. Someone that likes theatre, movies, music, art, mud puddles, motorcycles, dancing in the rain, and driving around. A guy who doesn't mind that I can't cook worth a darn but enjoys the fact that I love to bake. Someone who wants me as I am.

I think something inside me is broken... completely and irrevocably. Maybe not irrevocably. Hopefully not irrevocably.

I have this problem... I truly and completely believe that no one cares. I don't keep in touch with people because I don't want to intrude in their lives. When I do, I spend more time battling guilt and worry that I'm being a pest than I do enjoying the fact I'm talking to a friend. I miss my friends and I can't do anything about it.

Love stories

I'm currently reading "An Affair to Remember" about Katharine Hepburn and Spencer Tracy. It's subtitle is "The Remarkable Love Story..." etc. It set me to wondering. Are all love stories remarkable? Remarkable doesn't necessarily mean good or happily ended. It just means that it's worthy of being noted. Maybe it's the utterly hopeless romantic in me but I do think all love stories are worthy of note.


This is what comes of combining a half dozen romance novels and a female mind in the full sway of hormones.

"I want to do something that matters"

"Know in your stomach you're never alone"

Pretending it doesn't hurt or bother me sucks... Like... A lot...

Tuesday something felt wrong. I was off, everything was off. I couldn't figure out why so I chalked it up to hormones or some such and went on with my life. Wednesday I found out what was wrong. It was like this giant wave of wrongness crashing over my life and covering everything. Sometimes I manage to make the surface and can breathe but other times I struggle underwater, trying to take a breath and finding myself filled with something other than air. I'm scared and there doesn't appear to be a lifeguard on duty.

Cute and funny

These past couple days I've been all over the place emotionally. I'm not completely sure why. But I've been crying at things I wouldn't normally cry at. I've been getting frustrated and snapping more easily. I've been letting things get to me, things that I would normally just let roll off my back. Since I don't know what's causing it, I don't know what to do about it. I'm starting to get frustrated with myself and that just makes it worse. I know that the things that hurt me aren't meant to. I know this. But it doesn't ease the ache that settled into my stomach.

Shoes....

My shoe obsession borders on unhealthy (borders because I'm too poor to actually do anything about it). So here's some shoes. Match them to their designers. There are two per designer. Then see if you can match the designer to the correct factoid. I've only done 4 here. There are many more but these 4 of the top names in shoe fashion.
The Designers:
Manolo Blahnik, Ferragamo, Jimmy Choo, and Christian Louboutin

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.


A. Called the "Shoemaker to the Stars"
B. Known for the red sole on his shoes
C. Had a record setting 8 page spread of his designs in Vogue
D. His shoes or name appears often in popular culture

Snapshots Part 2

I haven't felt inspired to write anything recently. Things are going ok for me. I still haven't found a job but I'm not feeling quite so hopeless about it anymore. I know I'll find something. I've actually been pretty good lately. I put a real picture of myself on Facebook for the first time in a couple years. I feel different and yet... I'm still me.

So here's some pictures. I was just goofing off. But the subjects are cute.

Snapshots Part 1

Just some pictures from me playing at being a photographer.

I have this girl in my head. I don't know what she wants from me. She's dancing. I can hear the layers of her dress rustling. I know she's wearing a dark blue dress, she's fair skinned, and has dark brown hair. She's pretty. She has a couple of admirers. I know her! I just don't know what she wants from me. Tell me, lady living inside my head, tell me and I'll do it. Until then, she's trapped in my brain just dancing and dancing.

I'm being ridiculous! I'm being ridiculous and I know it. I just can't help it. I wish I could stop being ridiculous and start being normal and non-ridiculous. But it's not in the cards, at least not for now. So I'll go on being ridiculous and silly and weird and odd. I just hope it doesn't drive me completely insane.


On a positive note, 6 months have passed since I started taking responsibility for my actions and my life. This means that by the end of this year, I will hopefully FINALLY have that piece of paper that says I graduated college. Now if I could just find a job that pays the bills and has enough leftover to put into my savings for a congratulatory trip. Here's hoping.

Indecision is a horrible disease that affects the lives of many. This or that, one or the either, pick and choose. Some decisions are just minor irritations. Others... Others are more important or more emotional or both. It leaves you feeling like you are facing a 600 foot shark-lion-bear-octopus-snake-thing. In case you have faced a 600 foot shark-lion-bear-octopus-snake-thing, it's exhausting, mind-numbingly scary, and generally leaves one physically ill.

The absolute worst part about indecision is that after I make a decision, I spent the rest of my day, week, month, year, life... thinking about it and wondering if it was right. Almost every decision I've ever made haunts me.


I've already made the decision. I KNOW it's the right one. But that doesn't stop the gut-churning fear from getting to me. Why can't it just be easy?

I know it's right. Even if it doesn't turn out the way I want or hope, that's still better than the best case of the option I didn't pick.

An explanation

For my name. Sometimes I feel like the very core of my being is dying off. Piece by piece, my soul is chipping away and disappearing. I know that this is because my life is essentially on pause right now. I know that once I get out of this rut I've managed to drive myself into, I'll start to feel whole again. I know this is temporary.


At least I hope I know these things.

So that's where Soul Survivor comes from. I just want my soul to survive this time in my life until I move to the next stage.

Bored games

I was thinking earlier about games and how I miss playing board games. Now when I'm bored I go straight to my computer and hop onto facebook to play a computer game. I miss the simple human interaction. That's the whole point of a board game isn't it? Having fun with other people. Thankfully, I've found online entertainments that allow and encourage me to chat with other players. But it's not quite the same. Something is missing and it makes me a bit wistful for the times when all I had to do was round up my roommates for a game of whatever we wanted to play that night. My single best memory of freshman year was playing Dutch Blitz in the common room instead of studying for finals.

Trying again

I'm going to try this again. I don't know what the future holds but I need an outlet and this seems as good as any.


P.S. If anyone reads this and finds the purple too obnoxious, feel free to leave a comment and I'll change it. I love purple but I don't want to kill everyone's eyes.